So my paternal grandmother is a bible toting, God fearing, pray for everyone, thug in a church hat. We affectionately call her G-ma because she’s kind of Gangsta (recognize and respect the a instead of er). She’s gangsta by way of being brutally honest. She gives it to you straight no chaser, says what she feels and means what she says. If you want sugar coating you best keep it moving. My G-ma isn’t for the faint of heart that’s for certain. She is one tough cookie! Don’t believe me just watch.
1) When I was about 19 I brought a guy that I was dating to my G-ma’s house. Not on purpose. We were headed for a night out on the town but I had to stop at her house first. As we were walking through the door my G-ma says to the poor guy “Son, my granddaughter may be interested in what your drawers look like but I’m not. You better pull your pants up!” Needless to say, that relationship didn’t work out lol.
2) Once a month we all get together and have “family day”. Family day usually consists of cooking, games and sometimes movies during the winter months and an outing to a park or pool during the summer. This particular “family day” we opted to stay-in even though it was during the summer. As we were all piling into the house and making ourselves comfy she says to one of my cousins “You look cruddy, go take a shower!” My cousin explained to G-ma that she showered right because she left the house, no more than an hour ago. To which G’ma replied “girl you better go take a shower!” So my poor cousin ended up showering twice in about a 2 hour span because anyone who knows G-ma knows that you don’t tell her no.
Although I could go on those are just a couple of my favorite G-ma-isms.
Last night she added another one to my list of faves. Although we are all grown we are not allowed to watch certain television programs because as she says it’s “mess” and “nonsense” (ie. reality tv, anything with swearing, anything with sexual content, pretty much everything one tv these days). So basically that leaves the christian networks, home shopping network channels, discovery channel, hallmark channel and the game show network. Family Feud is one of our favorite shows to watch together because we are the dynamic duo when it comes to answering the questions. I swear if we ever made it on that show we’d win everything, that’s how good we are. Anyways, last night the question was “name some things you’d do if you were stuck in traffic on your way to work”. Among answers like daydream, sing, listen to the radio was an answer that not only was I not ready to hear but definitely not ready to hear in the presence of my G-ma, “tickle their pickle”! Yep, you read right…but just in case you think you didn’t, go ahead and re-read, I’ll wait! I came down with a cold a couple days ago and one of my symptoms are my ears keep popping, so when I first heard tickle their pickle I asked my G-ma to repeat what they said. She said “they said tickle their pickle”. As I looked at her with the half confused/half shocked face I said what does that mean (kind of rhetorically) she said “it means play with yourself honey”!
That awkward moment when you and your religious G-ma have an unintentional conversation about masturbation. Yep that just happened! *le sigh*
Happy Friday friends!